~*♠ AmbEr riVer deEp iN KaleIdoScopE ♠*~

HAH~ finally got a new job thank you Lord… for this blessing . Hopefully it will turns out well…

main purpose is to earn pocket money … Why?! Hello~ the government still haven’t pay my wages after cutting it … my fren already got the pay WHY THE HELL i still haven’t ?! What r u doing …

now i’m still worry how to survive, where u have to spend money to keep u alive as u walk out the door… Damn suffering … short of money… Instead of waiting for the salary to come knock my door i rather go out and find a road for myself… If not i’ll be starve to dead…

                ♥~Amber River flowing in kaleidoscope~♥

What should i said?

Last night was the more nasty night of the end of the century…
First of all… i’m just acompany my dad to JBs’ General Hostipal, he was fetching my granny for operation… Why JB ? Hah! Good question…. cos is cheaper then the private one and the generalk hospital in Kluang…

Ok..after reach the front door of the hospital… i met my uncle…
"Eh! U din bring ur cloth to stay in the hospital with PoPo?" i’m like HUH?! what is this ? Why should i stay here? no body tells me bout it at all…

Plus, i got an appointment with the ebay seller… i have to bank in for my item as i promised my ebay seller… that one is still ok …so i phone them… and ask for delay….

then… i got no choice… i have to stay here to assist my aunt… cos my granny is really really fat….
Yesterday night… i’m so annoying and damn worried… annoying because the place i slp last night is damn lousy… a broken armchair… even my buttock will slum in it when i sit on it…
The string already break in to 2… but i still have to slp on it…. and the wad is vy horrible… just like the hospital in those ghost movies…. wheel chairs… old yellowish-white-painted bed and no body slp on it…. crippy medical equitements… Silent night… and the toilets…..hor~ jus like when ur doing ur business half way and a chopped- bloody head will roll to ur feet…. Cripy…and disgusting….

Phew~that was the first night… thank God i’m here at my aunt’s house tonight…. surfing net….

But the problen is i have to stay until Friday… who can help me to bank in the money to my Ebay seller? Headache!!! Al my SOOK PEIs’ Agreements become breakable….!!! DAMN!!

♥~Amber River flowing in kaleidoscope~♥

Hello!! today is my Big birthday… and i’m turning 21 TODAY!!!

Start my day at 6.30 am… of cos acompany my dad, actually is my grandma need to go to the JB hospital…ok rush to bathroom… cos is pretty late late late… already… and competing with the ticking clock …gosh i really need to pecah my bath-time record… i hear mumbling outside…

then, 2 hours later we reach the destination… my dad drop us at the receptionist and went for parking…Oh…he jus throw me 2 words at the receptionist… " Go find ur uncle,i ‘ll go look for parking…" In a place that i don noe what to do and don noe who i can rely on…urh!!! ok… COOL down!!! no hand phone…(i left it in the car)…all u can do is only wait….  Wait wait….

10 minutes later…

Finally someone familiar coming–My uncle…

then my uncle take us the another department to take the no…and wait for the number count down until us…

3 hours later…

finally… finish this long-endless-time-wasting waiting…ok then go back lo… Can not go anywere shopping….Straight foward go back to Kluang…

After drop my grandma at my aunt Agnes’s house… my dad and i when to high tea with his friends (actually is tea tarik at mamak stall) …then they went to a funeral…i jus wait inside the car…that time is almost 7… then i receive william and P.Hui’s SMS… haha lighten me a bit this whole day…

After that went to dinner…then aunt Agnes house’s, next here i am finally back home bout 10…

Surfing net…. not many ppl remember me bout my big day… INCLUDING my vy own brother MR. QCW…. Damn annoying… he go and add birthday comment to other ppl ,but ME?! He add NOTHING…at all…Heart broken at the same time….i even hear my fragile heart craking… (T.T)

Am i a very unpleasant person…is it dat i receive less blessing jus because i’m not a famous prom queen or not a rich baby? or is it because i’m not good in pleasing other ppl?! though sometimes i don want to think like this…. but realistic did force me to…

What i am? a rusty puppet? What am i?

I been tearing… yes i always been… i’m vy lonely…

不管怎样我都是要念！！！ 真的很过分，为什么领教的待遇这样坎坷？！真的有说不完的怨言。。。一进来这里工作就被减薪（只用SPM的薪水），每月RM300耶。。。不是小数目，三个月就一千块了。。。真的很讨厌。。。难道我不比别人努力吗？！难道我不应该得到我所努力的酬劳吗?! 那我为何要这样拼命？！为何我还要在三更半夜改簿子，牺牲我两三个小时的睡眠？！原来政府是可以这样决定我的死活。。。原来政府只要一句话，一个签名就可以把我贬成这样卑微。。。

我真的欲哭无泪。。。

开始时原因很简单，是我就读的中学学校SSAJ迟发我的STPM sijil。所有的学校都已经发给学生了（我的朋友们已拿到），就这有SSAJ 迟半个月才发给我们。我前前后后花了很多钱打了很多通电话去政府部门询问（因为别人告诉我已经出了，但我拜托老师们帮我问学校书记处，他们说要两年后才能拿，当时真得很无助！！）。。。可是他们却把我当球踢来踢去。到最后还问不出一个结果。。。过后就一直等消息，向朋友得知后我便马上去学校拿那份sijil.

我去拿时，所有的书记‘都’去听选举的讲座回了，所以那天下午我被‘赶’回家因为没有人处理这些事务。（早上的时间我还在教书）                                                                          第二天，同样时间我又回去拿终于被我拿到了。真的是呕心沥血才拿到。。。                                                                                 第三天，就马上递上去给书记室。。。 但后来听说政府不愿帮我做薪水单，就因为我迟那么一天。

就那么一天，政府就把我的一千块给吞掉。。。谁可以来帮我。。。。把我的一千块要回来？！

到底我拿的是怎样的一牌?!

到底我带的是怎样的一张面具去演绎出叫“我”的戏?!

或许夜深人静时，才会有真正的“我”出现…

演着流泪的戏码…

是梦醒了还是沉睡了?!

有时，配角串位当了“我”的导演…

隔夜凉了的汤喝入胃会是什么滋味?!

大家都在装…

为了圆场结束…

大家都在装…

圆了场以后，还会再装吗?

无声的抗议…

为我带来了什么?!

我不想吃饭

也许生气真的会饱…

也许失望不会让我摄取更多水分…

当委屈与愤怒不能平衡天平时，是谁会取代理智?!

之后又会发生什么事呢?!

What happended to me?

I’m so angry… deep in my heart I wish I can shout it all out…

Why am I here?!

To be a slave of the circle of life?!

Or to be an entertainer to other?!

Why problems always popping out?

Why am I here?!

When will I be able to find a place that is free from danger?

Why do I have to let other people decide my life?!

Why other people have the power to decide my life?!

Why I always stumble?!

Hope or Pain?!

Is my soul dead from the moment I was born?!

Why am I always depressing?!

Why I get sick?

Why am I always so lack of something?!

Do I ever Walking Proud again?!

眺めているだけじゃ

いつまでも手に出来ない

眺めているだけじゃ

君の物にはならない

如果只是看着

永远都无法得到

如果只是看着

无法成为你的东西

心悸。。。 每当听到这首歌的时候。。。

我很彷徨，身边的朋友都已经去深造快半年了，而我还在原地踏步。。。

我好像迷路了。。。

明明分坚持。。。很清晰

但又。。。

我开始分不清了。。。

梦想真的能实现吗?!

要把小提琴学好，我想要钢琴。。。弹肖邦，莫扎特，贝多芬。。。

我想要竖琴每天都能听到它的声音。。。

我想要学日语。。。我想咬一口流利的英国腔英文。。。我想把发语学好说一口正统的中国腔。。。

我想要有未来。。。我想飞去英国。。。

我想要不一样的我。。。跟现在不一样的我。。。

但为什么，现在的我如此潦倒失败？！我不明白!!

从小到大，我从来没有让自己骄傲过。。。

我的成绩永远都是倒数的。。。

用时候会问自己是不是智障？！

为何我走的路这样冤枉？！

从初中四开始，被老师逼拿 Sains Sukan 就这样无可反抗的读了两年冤枉的Sains Sukan 。。。

该死的Sains Sukan 读了=没读 ！！！

现在用也用不着。。。

悔不当初。。。没拿 Prinsip Akaun ，现在科到用时方很少。。。

好不容易，呕心沥血来到了中六，

因为学校里拿数学的人数少得可怜，猫仔几只。。。

所以校方决定把我们编排去拿Geografi。。。

跟中四一样,geografi也是废的！就算拿到B 又怎样？还不是用不着？！

想要拿Accountancy 却没有 Prinsip Akaun 底，被拒于几乎所有大学门外。。。

这种感觉真不好受。。。

眺めているだけじゃ

いつまでも手に出来ない

眺めているだけじゃ

君の物にはならない

回首这首歌。。。

我并不是什么都不做而是我好像什么都不能做。。。

This afternoon after had our lunch, my dad and I head home.

When we reach a junction at the main road near Kg Paya hall, my dad suddenly said something in delight mood.

“Look! JT 8326 that is my first car!”

It is an old Toyota Corolla, 76’ version one. White in color…but now is a bit yellowish white.

I fell surprise, I guess my dad feel the same way as I do…

You know the feeling is like meeting an old friend unexpectedly … Hey! What a coincidence… !!!

My dad said he first brought this car is in 1983.

After all this years…thought the car had been sold to other people but … When u know that the car u treasured and used before still in good condition you feel happy to know that the car belongs to a person that know how to take good care of it…

Remember part 2?! Well! Things keep going on…..

Now, the children next door are even more selfish and done something unpleasant! OK! Today is hari raya second day(public holiday) .When my dad open the backyard door to cut out the grass… I saw something that really annoyed me when I walk out the door… Can u guess what is it?!

Tah-dah~  Is the burn out fireworks sticks…. Which they play during midnight while they are burning the trash….

I’m like…. @%$*@#*^$% … when I saw it…

I s this the way we teach our children or our comimg generation?! Is this our culture as Malaysian?!

Then, what’s the meaning that we have to fasting the whole month in bulan Ramahdan?

Aren’t we suppose to do good things and and be helpful to other for the coming years?